Living in the Shadows of “Hammer Envy”

Written by Bakersfield Magazine

I’m a pretty handy guy around the house. I can fix things...really, I can. And I have the tools to prove it! But it usually takes an act of congress to get me motivated. Why? Because I’m so unexplainably anal-retentive. I don’t mean to be, I just have my mom’s sensibilities. For her, any “project,” no matter how small, must be done perfect. And to do so, I’ve learned, will require a long, drawn-out, usually painful, potentially embarrassing ordeal. What can go wrong will go wrong. Can you say “Murphy”?

Maybe this trait comes from the way I grew up. Around our house, Dad was lovingly referred to as the “Doctor.” Not the medical kind—the kind that are too smart for their own good, seemingly not capable of doing simple repairs without getting into a situation. A “jump in with both feet/take no prisoners kind of guy.” Dad lives by these two simple rules: 1) If it moves and shouldn’t, use duct tape. 2) If it doesn’t move and should, use WD-40. Anything that can’t be remedied with this advice isn’t broken.

No doubt you’ve heard the expression “measure twice, cut once,” Well, Dad made that one better. His philosophy: “who needs a ruler? Keep cutting until it fits.” Of course, Mom banned saws from the house soon after they were married.

My way is more methodical...like planning the invasion of a foreign country. Measure three times (cause it’s a charm), make detailed notes, sit back and think about it, measure again, check the house blueprints for any potential hazards and any excuse not to proceed (“sorry honey, this isn’t a load-bearing wall. In my professional opinion, we can’t hang that picture there. Much too dangerous”), try to find said notes, measure again, discover that the saw blade is too dull, run to the store and “guess” at which one I need, come back, measure yet again, check the internet for suggestions and last-minute EPA warnings...you get the idea.

I’m not the weekend warrior type like our creative director Chuck Barnes, who comes bouncing in most Monday mornings telling tales of the awesome weekend projects he’s tackled.

Me: Mornin’, Chuck. Have a good weekend?

Chuck: (in a long Southern drawl) Yuuup.

Me: Do anything exciting this weekend?

Chuck: Nooope. Built a deck off the back of the house...was bored, had a couple hours to kill.

...Man, talk about “hammer envy.”

So, what does this have to do with the August issue? A lot!

Once again, we are pleased to present our annual Dream Homes edition, and whether you’re still looking for a “home” or have already found your “dream,” we have something for everyone, from the first-time house painter to “questions to ask a home inspector.” We’ve also included profiles on some of Bakersfield’s best home builders and a humorous piece that we had our A-List members help with: “Mishaps” (page 63). There’s also a special section of home improvement professionals (in case you’re like me and suffer from...well, you know).

And, of course, this is also our annual Sizzlin’ Singles issue—packed with successful, fun-loving, community-minded singles. Remember, this isn’t a hook-up, these guys and gals are single by choice...and loving it! The fun starts on page 41.

We also have all our regular features, including a special story in our Community Partners section on the upcoming March of Dimes Signature Chefs Auction. If you’re a foodie and like supporting a good cause, this is the event for you (and be sure to sign up for our A-List as we have tickets to give away!).

My wife wants to redo the kitchen floor. As soon as the soil samples come back, I’ll be all over it. Hey Chuck, you busy next weekend?

Article appeared in our 28-3 Issue - August 2011